Welcome to THE BALANCE PROJECT: a series of relevant and refreshingly candid interviews featuring inspiring and accomplished women talking about balance. I’ve always been curious about how women I admire manage the tragically glorified “doing it all” craze. So I asked them. As I suspected, no one really does “it all.” Everyone’s making sacrifices somewhere. And that should make us all feel a little better. I hope the conversation will be steered toward that reality rather than toward the flawed and dangerous assumption that we should try—or even want to try—to perfectly do “it all.”

By the way, looking for THE BALANCE PROJECT novel that was inspired by these interviews? It’s here.

No. 136: Aidan Donnelley Rowley, Novelist

Age: 37
Where I live:
 New York City
Job: Novelist and non-practicing attorney
Kids: Three daughters, ages 9, 7, and almost 5

ESauthorphoto1 (1)

Photo credit: Elena Seibert

Have you changed jobs or adjusted anything in your career to have more balance?
I practiced law at a big Manhattan law firm for less than two years. I knew immediately that I wouldn’t last long, that I was interested in leading a more creative professional life. But I was also struck by how little balance I glimpsed in so many of my colleagues. The hours were long and the work was demanding. When I quit the firm, it was to write full-time, but also, perhaps unconsciously, to build a more balanced life. I was newly married and knew I wanted kids down the line.

Do you think having “it all” is realistic or overrated and why?
I think having “it all” is unrealistic, and striving to have “it all” can sometimes be remarkably unhealthy. That said, I think it is okay, in the abstract, to aim high and dream big. Okay to want work that inspires us, a family, a good marriage and dear friends while acknowledging that something’s got to give here and there. But there is no way to have all of these things at the very same time in just the way we want them. I think the focus should be on what we have rather than what we don’t.

What part of “balance” can you just not seem to figure out?
My biggest struggle has been balancing my mothering and writing. When my writing is on fire and things are lining up professionally, I find that I long for my girls and our sweet, less-structured time. During stretches of family time when I’m most present and engaged with my husband and daughters, I sometimes feel a bit agitated, a near-physical itch to write. It’s rare that I feel a perfect balance between these sides of myself, but perhaps I am balanced in those moments when I’m juggling both and not overthinking it too much.

What part of “balance” are you getting better at?
I’m getting much better at the forgiveness part of balance. Some days will be fantastic creatively and others might be fantastic personally and some days will be just blah and that is okay. Overall, though, there is a sense of variety, of meaning, of balance. I used to be much harder on myself about doing “it all” and this was wildly counterproductive; loosening up about all of it, forgiving myself for the imperfections and the imbalances and the messiness that are part and parcel of a busy life turns out to help me feel more balanced. Go figure.

Do you have a favorite time management tool, hack, or other strategy you use that helps you achieve balance that you would recommend to others?
I try not to do any work on weekends. Saturdays and Sundays, we tend to stay in our pajamas for as long as possible and take it down a much-needed notch. This is when I curl up with books and spend time with my husband and my girls, and even if I have the desire to write (which I often do), I force myself put it off until Monday. A nice effect of protecting weekends in this way is that I often look forward to getting back to the page on Monday mornings. Also, I often wake up at 4:30am on weekdays to sneak in a couple hours of quiet writing time before my girls wake up. This allows me to spend more time with my kids during the day.

What was the best advice you ever heard on balance?
From a mentor/co-worker?
 As I was close to finishing writing The Ramblers, I had occasion to ask Anna Quindlen if she had any good writing advice. “Butt in chair,” she said. Not exactly balance advice per se, but in a way, it is; by just doing the things we care about or want to do or must do, we are making room and time for other things that matter. Balance is impossible if we are forever procrastinating.
From your mother? “You can’t have it all, all at once.”
From your spouse/partner? “You are your own boss; be kind.”
From your kids? A few years ago, I was playing a board game with my kids and an article I’d written had just been published online. I kept shifting my attention back and forth between my computer and the game, and my oldest daughter looked me in the eye and asked: “What’s more important, Mom–looking at your computer or playing a game with us?” It was a powerful moment for sure; a reminder to be here now.

If you had one extra hour in each day and you couldn’t work or be with your family, how would you spend that hour?
Oh, I always say that I wish I had a couple more hours. If I had an extra hour, I would read, on my own or with my girls.

What do you wish you’d known when you were 20?
That tough things will happen, but that I will be strong enough to make it through them. That surviving these things will bring meaning and depth to my life and make me who I am.

What do you hope to know by time you’re 60?
That things do not matter. People do; moments do; stories do.

What part of your home life do you wish you could outsource?
A silly thing really, but brushing my girls’ hair! My daughters have beautiful, long, thick, and often impossibly tangled hair and it’s a bit of a battle each morning before school.

Whose job do you wish you had?
I can honestly say that I don’t want anyone else’s job. I love spending my days writing and raising my girls, and I feel very lucky to be doing these meaningful things.

Whose job are you glad you don’t have?
I’m glad I’m no longer practicing law. I do know lawyers who are happy and passionate about their work, but I know many more lawyers (and bankers and consultants and other professionals) who are sad, overworked, and resentful. I’m thankful that I had the youthful confidence (and financial stability) to jump ship from the legal world when I did.

Favorite books?
An impossible question, but one of my favorites is E. B. White’s Charlotte’s Web. My late father read it to me on a porch swing during summertime when I was a girl. I’ve so enjoyed reading this classic to my own girls.

What are you reading right now?
Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. I began reading this book a few years back and somehow didn’t finish. Now that I’ve returned to it, I remember how beautiful a story it is.

Biggest vices…
Activity?
 Zoning out on my phone.
Food? Sugar. Candy corn around Halloween. Peppermint bark around Christmas. Cadbury Creme Eggs around Easter.
Website? I don’t spend tons of time on websites. Do Instagram and Facebook count?

How many hours do you generally sleep at night during the week?
6-8.

What do you read every morning?
I don’t read much in the mornings. Mornings are coffee-fueled dance party chaos where it’s a mad dash to get the girls dressed and fed and out the door to school.

Complete the following sentences:
I think I: overthink too many things.
I wish I: weren’t such a perfectionist.
My kids: are my muses.

Do you have a personal motto or favorite saying?
In eighth grade, I had to pick a quote for my yearbook page and I chose Nike’s “Just do it.” I still love this and believe this is how we should approach so many things in life.

51qmfy+BtWL._SX328_BO1,204,203,200_About Aidan:
Born and raised in New York City, Aidan Donnelley Rowley graduated from Yale University and received her law degree from Columbia University. She is the author of The Ramblers (William Morrow, February 2016) and a previous novel, Life After Yes, and is the creator of Happier Hours Literary Salons. She lives in Manhattan with her husband and three daughters.

Find out more about Aidan:
www.aidandonnelleyrowley.com
Facebook: Aidan-Donnelley-Rowley
Twitter: @adonnrowley
Instagram: adonnrowley
Pinterest: awd24

WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT WORK-LIFE BALANCE? CHECK OUT MY NOVEL THE BALANCE PROJECT!

Related Posts
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 1: Jessica Mindich, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 2: Veronica Beard, Fashion Designer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 3: Emily Liebert, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 4: Lyss Stern, Mom-trepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 5: Lauren Slayton, Nutritionist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 6: Elizabeth Moyer, Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 7: Annabel Monaghan, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 8: Holly Gordon, Director
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 9: Jill Salzman, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 10: Jennifer Levinson, Jen’s List
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 11: Jenny Hutt, Media Personality
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 12: Angela Santomero, Kids’ Media Creator
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 13: Carola Donato, Yogi
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 14: Tiffany Washington, Pastry Designer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 15: Emily Giffin, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 16: Alana Sanko, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 17: Cara Lemieux, Journalist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 18: Liz Fenton & Lisa Steinke, Authors
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 19: Nikki Mark, Author & Foundation Director
Shonda Rhimes on Doing It All
Indra Nooyi on Balance
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 21: Jill Bryan, Comedian
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 22: Cindy Callaghan, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 23: Stephanie Hirsch, Artist
My Times of India Interview on Work-Life Balance
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 24: Whitney Dineen, Author/Baker
AmEx’s Sobbott on Balance
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 25: J0-Laine Duke-Collins, Dessert Stylist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 26: Whitney English, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 27: Jennifer Gooch Hummer, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 28: Melissa Amster, Book Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 29: Nigel Marsh, Author and Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 30: DayNa Decker, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 31: Amy Selling, Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 32: Heather Sonnenberg, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 33: Allison Winn Scotch, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 34: Bibi Kasrai, Entrepreneur and Chef
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 35: Karen Sutton MD, Orthopaedic Surgeon
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 36: Samantha Ettus, Balance Expert, Author, TV/Radio Personality
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 37: Pam Yudko, Holistic Health and Transformational Coach
THE BALANCE PROJECT| No. 38: Nancy Huang, Nonprofit Outreach Director
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 39: Mary Laura Philpott, Writer, Editor and Illustrator
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 40: Towanda Long, Marketing Communications Specialist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 41: Kristyn Kusek Lewis, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 42: Tracy Pollan, Actor and Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 43: Christianne Phillips, Fitness Consultant and Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 44: Susannah Lewis, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 45: Kimi Culp, Producer, Author and Creative Consultant
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 46: Traci Bild, Entrepreneur
The Balance Project Interview Series Turns 1!
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 47: Laura Vanderkam, Journalist and Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 48: Amy Tara Koch, Style Expert and Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 49: Cozy Friedman, Kids’ Hair Expert
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 50: Bobbii Hach-Jacobs, Music Promoter
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 51: Niketa Jhaveri, Game Creator and Web Designer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 52: Sheri Silver, Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 53: Lori Pollan, Cookbook Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 54: Chatón Turner, Attorney and Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 55: Joanne Wilson, Investor and Blogger
T
HE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 56: Nicola Kraus, Author and Creative Coach
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 57: Shiri Sarfati, Marketing Expert
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 58: Audrey McClelland, Entrepreneur and Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 59: Jessica Lahey, Writer and Teacher
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 60: Lindsay Bressler, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 61: Marie Claire Lim Moore, Banker, Author and Speaker
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 62: Stacey Ballis, Novelist and Cookbook Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 63: Amy Hochhauser: Co-Founder, JoyRide Cycling Studio
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 64: Molly Sims, Actress, Author and Humanitarian
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 65: Colleen Oakley, Writer and Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 66: Nichole Montoya, CEO of Cheddar Up
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 67: Eileen Palma, Author and Instructor
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 68: Adina Grigore, Founder of S.W. Basics
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 69: Dana Pollan, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 70: Melissa Hawks, Owner, The Well Appointed House
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 71: Emily Greenspan, Art Consultant
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 72: Michelle Hodges, Software Executive and See Girl Be Founder
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 73: Kendra Basner Mallen, Attorney
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 74: Alysa Bajenaru, Dietitian and Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 75: Anita Shepherd, Founder of Anita’s Yogurt
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 76: Dana Marlowe, President of IT Consulting Firm
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 77: Jill Royster, Marketing Consultant
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 78: Debra Olshan Cooper, Entrepreneur
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 79: Zainab Zaki, Technology Product Manager
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 80: Marisa de los Santos, Novelist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 81: Kamy Wicoff, Writer and Publisher
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 82: Kristy Woodson Harvey, Writer and Blogger
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 83: Jane Green, Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 84: Meredith Schorr, Author and Paralegal
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 85: Melissa Marks Papock, Founder of Cabana Life
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 86: Cindy Chupack, TV Writer/Producer and Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 87: Betsy Ames, Founder of Mindful Style
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 88: Erin Baebler, Author, Writer and Coach
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 89: Danielle Weisberg & Carly Zakin, Founders of theSkimm
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 90: Heather Bauer, Dietitian and Founder of Bestowed
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 91: Jennifer O’Regan, Teacher, Coach, Book Champion
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 92: Debbie Major, CEO of Zylofone and Performer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 93: Dorie Clark, Marketing Strategist, Author, Speaker, Professor
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 94: Peggy Davenport, Attorney
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 95: Terrianne Patnode, Attorney
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 96: Jillian Griffiths, Chief Operating Officer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 97: Gillian Zoe Segal, Author and Photographer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 98: Pauline Nakios, Apparel Company Owner
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 99: Jessie Rosen, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 100: Reese Witherspoon, Actor/Producer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 101: Elyssa Friedland, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 102: Lisa Reichmann and Julie Sapper, Running Coaches
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 103: Jackie Kolek, Communications Executive
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 104: Stacy Sukov Blackman, MBA Consultant
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 105: Nancy Easton, Wellness in the Schools Executive Director
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 106: Lisa Sugar, POPSUGAR Founder and Editor in Chief
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 107: Bobbi Rebell Kaufman, Reuters Anchor and Reporter
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 108: Jennifer Berson, PR Executive
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 109: Jo-Ná Williams, Attorney and IP/New Business Advisor
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 110: Susan Ascher, Author, Coach and Speaker
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 111: CC Minton, Author and Health Advocate
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 112: Sara Blakely, Founder of SPANX
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 113: Courtney Nichols Gould, Co-Founder & Co-CEO SmartyPants Vitamins
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 114: Kristy Wallace, COO of Ellevate Network
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 115: Kimra Luna, Personal Branding & Online Business Strategist
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 116: Jenna Segal, Producer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 117: Julie Hochheiser Ilkovich, Media Specialist/Career Expert
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 118: Khanh Nguyen, Fashion Designer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 119: Sarah Marie Martin, Investment Banker
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 120: Julie Fasone Holder, Management Advisor
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 121: Georgene Huang, Founder of Fairygodboss
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 122: Jordana Holovach, Branding Consultant
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 123: Lindsey Mead, Executive Recruiter
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 124: Kelley Spoljaric, Co-Founder and CMO of ComfortCam
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 125: Barbara Reich, Professional Organizer and Author
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 126: Ria Ruthsatz, Film Producer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 127: Jennifer Rispoli Hildebrand, Tax Director
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 128: Noelle Smith, Tax Manager
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 129: Loredana Pfannenbecker, Tax Director
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 130: Cherylanne Skolnicki, Life Design Coach
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 131: Melissa Plaskoff, Host of Carpool Talk Show
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 132: Monica Reccoppa, Finance Manager
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 133: Jenna Blum, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 134: Cristina Alger, Writer
THE BALANCE PROJECT | No. 135: Katie Brown: Founder/Owner of Fashion Line KBLA