Dear Twitter,

images-2I wanted you to know how much I like you. I think I might even love you. I know you have no idea who I am, considering you’re so popular and everything and have like hundreds of millions of people into you. And I know it’s embarrassing to put this out there, but life is all about taking #chances.

Here’s what I think about you: I think you’re going to be a big success in life because you have so much going for you. The basic premise of your application is absolutely fricking brilliant.

I hope someday you’ll notice me and then we can go out and maybe you can get me a necklace with a blue enamel bird pendant and I’ll wear it around my neck every day and sing (!) your praises. But until that happens, I thought it would be helpful to put a few things on the table.

If we’re going to be in a relationship, I want it to start from a place of honesty. There are things I don’t like about you, and I’m going to tell you what they are. My gripes aren’t entirely your fault, but they’re on your watch, so you have to take a little responsibility. Like a hedge fund manager. Before I go and make any of these a dealbreaker and get my panties in a knot, I figured I’d talk to you about it because maybe I misunderstood.

Unknown-3Followers Schmollowers
I may be under your spell, but I know how this works. I myself am followed by insurance companies, fundraisers, advertising solicitors, and people with egg faces and no descriptions at all. These people and services are so not into me. They’re interested in getting me to follow them back so they can then claim, in their marketing collateral and PowerPoint presentations, that they have thousands of followers. I know a lot of your sycophants have loads of phony followers, too. Some of them, brace yourself, have even paid for followers. How do we take anybody’s hallowed “platform” seriously when their coffers are so padded? There’s probably no way around this. It’s just a part of you that I have to accept. But it makes me question your morals and values. And that’s a slippery slope.

500 million tweets a day in your Twitterverse? That’s a lot of tweets. Noisy, noisy tweets. How the hell does anyone get heard? Sure, I can put a lot of hashtags in my tweets to stand out. And I can direct a tweet @ someone in particular so they notice it (I hope) and send it to everyone who follows them, fake followers and all. But who really has the time to read all the tweets they get in any given day? Just now I turned away from you for a second, just one second!, and when I looked back there were 77 new tweets to read. I can’t keep up. On top of that, there’s Facebook and Instagram. I’m not the only one cheating on you with them. And they require a lot of attention. So you tell me, Tweety, if I’m not reading all the tweets sent my way, who is reading the tweets I send out? Are my tweets like the proverbial trees in the forest? Should I even bother?

images-5Dumb Tweets
The reason I think you’re brilliant is because a lot of the content posted in tweets is important and helpful. I find it highly acceptable when @mariashriver tweets about women’s struggles, when @NickKristof tweets about chemical safety, when @GDeLaurentiis tweets a new frittata recipe, and when @jojomoyes tweets about her new book. I even enjoy when non-bold names tweet about the things I’m interested in, i.e. the latest in book publishing, book reading, book writing, work-life balance, and Scandal. But, I do not care for tweets that tell me their writers are hungry, tired, or have needy children. We’re all hungry, tired, and have needy children. And I most certainly do not need to see any more selfies of @KimKardashian‘s ass. I am already fully aware of how big and luscious it is. We all are. (And, no, I don’t follow Kim Kardashian but one hears these things.) I think there should be a Commissioner of Dumb Tweets fining people for dumb tweets. Nominations are open.

My dear Twitter, I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. I’m just a little confused by you. You come off all confident and democratic and good-looking and user-friendly. But then you go and pull some of these lame moves. If you write me back, I’ll know you’re interested and want to pursue something with me. If not, I’ll move on. But I might not update you next time you ask.

Follow me at @susieschnall 😉

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